How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
