I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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