Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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