Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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