You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
