So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
