so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
