Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
