Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
