I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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