so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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