Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
