I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Everyone says I win the strip club
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
