You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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