Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
