the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
handjob tips. give me some.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
