dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
