Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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