i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize