i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
