Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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