Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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