dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
