my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
