My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
