Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
