I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
4 words: hood of his car
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
