You just made me feel so damn special
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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