I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
