I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
