when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize