Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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