I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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