What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize