gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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