Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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