I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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