Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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