Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
