so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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