I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
