Where is the hickey?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
