Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Sex in the backyard? Check.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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