i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
