I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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