I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I could fuck to npr.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
