Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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