Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
