I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
