you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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