Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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