Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
