I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize