OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
