you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
