Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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