he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize