Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
