My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
